“You know somethin’? Sometimes in the shadows of darkness itself, it seems so desolate that dying feels like an easy way out. And even though I know you’re not reading this, my body wants to believe. But there, deep in the bound tightening knots lies a cowardice I can’t escape. Like a malignant force that keeps my mind tied under to the ground, to the cesspit where animals and cockroaches lie vehemently on the floor, scratching endlessly on its surface in search for the meekness of the living.

You used to smile and you used to kiss me with a look in your eye that made me melt like butter. But now I’ve melted so far… Further than you could have imagined. Heck you couldn’t even recognise me that day when you saw me. Your eyes, windows to the soul looked lost out there in those fields, then green and dyed by the smell of summer. Your hands, trembling, your mouth speaking listless words of nothingness to me as we sat in that silence, cushioned behind that empty speech. You looked beautiful as ever but lost like a puppy looking to play. Playing ball with every heart that comes your way, bouncing your blonde hair startling like stars glistening far, it’s hard to not fall in love with you. But now Love has moved its ship to other shores, where others dock and have their way. And the old boats left out at sea, with hope and half anchor, float on rotting and forgotten, with nothing more than memories fading under the waves crashing against the softening metal.

And even though I see a glow from distant lighthouse’s, I choose to remain unseen. Roarin’ with pale ferver as the scatterings of old broken shells find rest under the safety of the blue sea. For one day I know the crashing will cease, and the metal will turn to powder, and whiteness will cover our hair, and I’ll still look into your eyes and see; you and me and everything we could have been.

But then I remember that none of this matters, because you ain’t reading this. You were never reading any of this. ”

Heavy footed Jazz plays throughout. It sounds as if we were underwater.

First met her in here Pa, did you know that? Heck! I sure did, met her right here. Fact, met her right over there, middle of the crowd, there she was. W’slike an ocean parting, first thing I saw, I’ll tell ya, first thing I saw was her hair flying across the room. And it was full with the richness of gold and silk Pa, shining like stars it startled me at first, I’m tellin’ ya! Was hard the not fallin’ in Love. Was like some sort of Godess from the old ancient stories you used to tell us, come down here on this sweet earth to treat us. Boy oh boy I remember it like I’m livin’ through that time right now. S’right, when I close my eyes like this, see? When I keep ‘em closed, nice an tight, where its all black, eye’s pushed inside where I don’t let none of this here now in. Man, I can see it so clear. Can smell the waves, can feel my skin itchin’. And hear this Pa, sometimes when it’s quiet I’d sit just like that for as long as I could hold still. ‘Cos it always put a smile on me, right here, yes sir a grin each and every time when I’d think back.

But then remember what I did? Did the only thing I could and tried to get close to her didn’t I? Ha! Life’s got a funny way of makin’ you learn stuff aint that right Pa? Heck you outta know, you been there! So I got close, so as I could hold her for a while, so as I could hold her head, wanted to keep her safe, you know? S’funny It’s just like what you do as kid aint it? Pick up a sufferin’ animal lookin for love an a home, stroke it for as long as you could, maybe even build a sort of, well one of those, sorta make shift homes with everything you could grab at the time, and you’re a kid so you aint got much to work with, right? And you’d be happy and bright because you had a new bud to play with. S’right! But then, and hear me out, this always happens. One day, when you’d come back from school or somethin’, with that excited pitter patter in your step, the type you get when you’re giddy with excitement, you’d get back home and you’re there ready to play, and you’d peek your eyes in there, in that little home you spent time buildin’, and then suddenly your smile would drop down, and time would slow itself because when you got there, that box you’d come home to would be empty. Ha! There’d be nothing’ in there. Just that empty box with the little blanket you made in the corner so it could sleep alright. S’funny being a kid ‘aint it, Pa?

He pauses and becomes still.

Sometimes wish I could go back to first time I asker her name. Hear her say it for the first time. And with the gentleness of her sweet voice, she’d ask me mine. To take it from there Pa, get one more chance at it? To think of everythin’ we could smile through again, man wouldnt that be somethin.

Pa: Did she look like she was suffering to you?

What’s that?

Pa: You said she was like a suffering animal.

Oh I don’t know! Heck each time I ask the why, s’like my body plays a trick on me and makes me doubt myself, s’like I don’t know nothin’ no more. S’pose we’re all sufferin’ Pa, we just aint knowin’ of it when we be livin’ blind like we are.

The jazz intensifies into wilder progressions.

But see each time I’d get close to her, these trumpets would start Roarin’ again and as if by sweet magic she would float on that dance floor flutterin’ and flickerin sweetness around anyone that could feel the air breathing through ‘em! It was endless Pop’s, sure as heck was I tell ya! Oh watchin’ her move like that! You had to be there to believe it, not against the music, but with it! Yes she went with it or the music went with her, yes! Thats right! It was seamless! It’s just like the ocean’s, aint it Pa? It moves and it lifts you and keeps you there in that in-between, in a state of frantic joy! Its chaotic, and heck it’s powerful! You can’t control it, just you try! You try swim against it and you’ll see! It sways, but there’s rhythm and there’s life, and danger, heck there’s danger when them trumpets be Roaring’! Ya try and control and it will drown you in a second without even thinkin’ about you, ya know! It wont even see you, s’like all a sudden you don’t even exist no more. One minute it’s summer and the life givin’ Sun is shining and you’re there enjoying the swim, splashin’ and hollerin’ in there and man! You think you got it made,

He starts to pace frantically, slashing the air to emphasise his points.

But then people start runnin’ out, see because there’s them storm clouds coming, and it begins to rain, dont it? But see you’re living with eyes closed and sleepin’ because you never used to feel the rain. So you stay, and like dancing ya try and step one foot to the side when ya shouldn’t and heck that’s it! It gets you! You only got one try at it and takes ya down one gulp at time.

He stops pacing.

And it’s slow, ya know? Drownin’. I heard someplace that drownin’ its silent. Like you don’t make no noise when you’re going down. S’Like you’re too busy trying t’breath there aint no time for nothin’ else. Imagine it, Pa? Imagine drownin’ and you can’t even ask for help.

It’s funny, I used to play this game. One where I’d go far down, right down to the deep end of the pool, and once I’d feel my hand hit the bottom of the floor, I’d sit there for as long as I could and meanwhile I’d stop and I’d open my eyes, and they’d sting for a while but it was worth it! Once the stingin’ left what came after was worth it! I’d just sit there like that, looking out and countin’. Sounds funny, I know! Cant really explain why I used to do that. Was the only way I could feel the most myself, aint that a funny thing to say? Boy oh boy It was peaceful down there. You could hear the voices, high above like murmering waves splashing on the surface above me, and as I’d look up there was always this brilliance in white light shining down at me, like a white dreamlike haze. She used to say they was Angels looking down at me, that they was there to look after me. And boy did that make me warm thinking about that. But, y’know somethin’? Lately I been wonderin’ if any of what she said was even real, because ain’t none of how we got here makin’ any sense after what she used to tell me! I’spose it’s the things we say at the time to make ourselves feel better, ain’t that right, Pa? Anyways by this point when I felt I couldnt count no more seconds, I’d push past it, for a little while longer and I’d feel the pressure in my lungs starting t’build, and it would feel almost like they were ready to explode! Oh Yes! But my mind, man my mind felt peaceful then. Maybe’ it’s ‘cos down there everything was simple. Everything was so simple that you could let go of the need to fix everything and you’d get on busy with the just being yourself.

Silence.

Sorry, Pa! I went off again didn’t I, heck I’m sorry Pops talkin’ about myself again’ like I always do. Tell me how is Momma? Did I ask? Sorry I can’t keep track of what I’ve said. Heck I wish you’d talk to me sometimes might make more sense then, right? S’funny people stop talkin’ when we need ‘em the most.

Silence.

Pa: I ain’t got nothin’ for ya kid

S’right Pops, that’s alright. I still love you, you know that?

Silence

Pa: Don’t touch it.

S’that, Pa?

Pa: Just— watch the mind talk, alright? Relax and release, watch it and fall behind the noise. Don’t touch it

I don’t—

Pa: —just — don’t get involved in it. Just relax your shoulders kid, an’ relax your heart. You can’t keep trying to stop something that was never real. Just fall behind it, alright? That’s how you get out. You just let go. An’ eventually it will get so quiet in there that you can start hearing your heart beat again. Days will stop being so short and you’ll start feeling yourself again.

Pa sighs

Why let someone else steal you? You was never theirs in the first place because you didn’t even know it was yours to share! You were so focused on her beauty that you never gave her what she was truly after. You. She was after you. You never gave her what you’ve been hiding in there this whole time. And that’s ok, kid. It’s ok. It’s just part of finding out, ain’t your fault or hers. Soon as you stop letting people, places and things steal you from yourself, well— that’s called liberation, alright? Let the idea of her go an’ you’ll be on your way. Took me a long time to hear my heart beat again.

She really aint coming back?

Pa sighs

Pa: Not this time.

Did she ever come back for you?

Pa: Remember those old stories I told you?

Way back? Yeah, you know I do!

Pa: Where d’you think they come from.

Silence

But, I don’t want to be like ya Pa.

Pa smiles and begins to walk towards the door to exit.

Pa: You don’t, but you’re on your way.

Does it get easier?

Pa shakes his head, turning to face him as he reaches the exit door.

I thought things would have been different by now.

Pa: Me too.

So what do I do?

Pa: You make peace with it. And you walk out this door with me.

You expect me to believe its that easy! Ha, yeah sounds simple Pa, fool’s me for listenin’ to ya.

Pa: Try it. Walk away from this place, and never look back.

I can’t come back?

Pa shakes his head

Pa: Once you leave, this place wont be here for you no more. You’ll forget this place ever existed.

Why?

Pa: I stopped askin’ the why’s a long time ago.

I don’t think I’m ready to let it go.

Pa: ‘Aint so easy, is it.

Sounds funny to say, but when I hold my hand right here, and when she was around it would stop feeling like ants were crawling all over and inside me. For a moment It felt good the just being alive. Like I never needed to be or go anywhere. S’like when youre by the beach side, an at the edge of the water, that part the Sun’s kept warm all day long, where you would sit in that white sand and melt? That’s what it felt like. We did that once. Someplace far where the Sun took its time settin’. She lay on me, right here when the Sun was at it’s highest. Her soft body was in the water bouncing as the waves gently passed us by, an her arms were holdin’ on dearly to me so as she wouldn’t float away, and I never let her, and I tell ya I would have never let her float away, no sir! Would have always made sure she was safe. Boy oh boy.

He begins to cry, quietly.

And so I held her head softly by the cheek which was all but red from being out for so long, and we fell asleep just like that, holding on to each other.

Pause.

I ain’t ready to say goodbye.

Pa: Stay then.

He moves closer to the door.

Pa: Stay for as long as you can.

Pa exists through the door.

He then walks around the counter, and sits at the chair where Pa sat before.

He shouts after Pa

Y’know, I’ll leave tomorrow!

Silence.

S’right, tomorrow sounds alright, aint it!

Silence.

Wont hurt me stayin’ here a while longer. S’right, tomorrow, it’ll feel better then. Yeah, I’ll do that, tomorrow. Yes sure, tomorrow sounds swell, yes sir! I’ll stay in here, in this sweet room for a while longer, for now I’ll just be here, aint that right Pa!

His gestures become erratic.

And you know the bit that really gets me Pa? It’s the knowing that I’m only holding on because this that I’m feeling’ is the only thing I got left of her, ain’t that a funny thing to say? Ha!

So I’ll just be right here, won’t I? Yes! That’s right I’ll stay here for as long as I can, for as long as I can hold on for! I’ll be like an old ship out at sea with no lighthouse in sight! That’s right!

The heavy footed Jazz grows louder and louder as he keeps talking to himself.

He begins a slow Waltz dance

As long as I can!

He continues dancing alone, we see his arms extended, holding an imaginary partner in his hands, his talking now turning to whispers as he closes his eyes tightly.

We can hardly hear the next part :

(Sotto) First met her in here Pa… did you know that?… Heck! I sure did, met her right here… Fact, met her right over there, middle of the crowd, there she was…. W’slike an ocean parting, first thing I saw, I’ll tell ya, first thing I saw was her hair flying across the room… And it was full with the richness of gold and silk Pa, shining like stars it startled me at first… I’m tellin’ ya!…it was hard the not fallin’ in Love.

The Jazz continues to swell, until we cant hear him speaking anymore.

Curtain.

-Fin.